Friday, June 15, 2012

And I cried.

When my college boyfriend asked for my hand in marriage, upon saying yes, I cried.

A few years later my first daughter was born, and I cried.

In time, I had another daughter and a son, and I cried.

When any one of  my kids would scrape their knees, or feel hurt by a friend's harsh words, I cried.

When one of them got cut from a sport they were passionate about, hearts aching with the sting of pain and rejection, I cried. For about a week.

The first time my sixteen year old daughter pulled out of the driveway in her new car, I cried.

The first time my daughter's heart was broken by a boy, I cried.

When my husband and I trudged through difficult times, I cried.

When my husband and I experienced times of great joy, I cried.

When my daughter left for the school the other day, headed towards her very last day of high school ever.

I cried.

I admit it. I'm a cryer. I cry when I'm happy, and when I'm sad. I cry when my heart is touched, and when I'm hurt. I cry when I'm mad, and I could even cry over a diaper commercial if it hits me at just the right moment.

I just can't help it. I'm an emotional being.  It's just the way God made me. But despite what I'm facing, good or bad, I know that God made my tears and catches every last one as we are promised in Psalm 56:8 "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."

God is probably looking around for a bigger bottle to catch my tears these days, because there have been lots of tear-filled opportunities. And more tears are ready to emerge at any moment.

Tears of joy. Tears of happiness. Tears of anxiety. Tears of unspoken fears. Tears of pride. Tears of change. Tears of gratefulness. Tears of trust. Tears of a love that is so overwhelming that I can scarcely hold them back.

Tears, as I watched my eighteen year old daughter stroll across the stage, smiling proudly, wearing her accomplishments around her neck as they cascaded down her baby blue graduation gown while accepting her high school diploma.  A symbol of years of hard work and commitment, ending this season of her life.

When I consider the hole that will be present in our home when my precious Morgan moves into her college housing in just a few months, projectile tears threaten to burst forth. When I think about how much I will miss seeing her beaming smile every day and listening to all her 'stories' due to her love of talking, sad tears trickle. 

But when I consider how God has promised to watch over her, and reassures me in His Word that He loves her even more than my momma's heart ever could, I can't help but cry tears of overwhelming relief.

I know I can't keep her under my wing forever, although I would like to, but I know she will always be under God's wings, because He resides in her heart.

What peace and relief it brings as I embrace God's promise in Psalm 91:4, which says "He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection." Envisioning my baby girl snuggled gently under the mighty wings of a sovereign God, protected with sovereign armor and a host of angels swarming over her everywhere she goes,  showers my heart with peace, and helps keep my fears at bay. 

For all you moms out there who are walking this road right now; watching your child leave the nest and venture out into the scary world of college and grown-up issues, I know you understand. For all your moms who have already experienced the heartbreak of going to bed at night, trusting that God will tuck your child safely into bed again and again, I know you understand. 

For all you moms who think tears need to be hidden, I want to assure you that tears are from God, intended to help our minds and bodies flush out our emotions. They are not a sign of weakness to be ashamed of, but a sign of humaness and love which keeps our hearts soft and tender.

Graduation has now come and gone, and trust me - I cried. An onslaught of tears. Some of which I thought might cause me a little more embarrassment than I had planned on, and definitely bring embarrassment to my kids. 

But that's okay. After all, I'm a cryer.  And seeing my beautiful-little-girl-turned-incredible-young-woman embark on her God ordained future is definitely tear worthy in my opinion. 

There are no better tears than ones shed out of overwhelming love and adoration, laced with prayers of promise, hope and joy.

Have you shed any tears lately? Do you believe God caught those tears in His loving hands? 

How has God touched your heart with promise and reassurance lately?

And I cried.SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend


Cindy Cain said...

Oh how I wish I could cry! I did a couple of times, once 6 months after my husband received his diagnosis and was scolded by my pastors wife. Then I cried a lot the day my hubby died but was told by my new pastor I was grieving too long so I've held them for a year. I love that you have the freedom to cry! I do feel as though my heart is hard and unapproachable for fear of being scolded again!

Monica said...

I cried just reading your post! I am so glad that you posted this. You are exactly like me! Christmas seems to be the worst time of the year for me for tears, all the sappy commercials and especially the one where the brother comes home and makes the coffee!! I am relieved to know that I am not the only one in the world that cries over the diaper commercials!

Pam said...

This mama gets it! I, too, watched my oldest parade across a graduation stage. And, yes, I'm sure my bottles of tears are taking up a little more space lately : ) Congratulations to your graduate and to you and may you quickly see the fruit of your labor!

Anonymous said...

Tracie I so understand. I'm on the other side where I have experienced graduations, weddings and the birth of my grandchildren. Talk about crying :).
@Cindy, I'm so sorry someone took your tears. Praying for you today.


bpsgrl89 said...

Me too! Family members often glance over while we are watching a TV show or a movie just to verify that I am crying - not always an ugly, snotty cry (like when I watch "The Notebook") but tears, lump in my throat and sniffles. I come from a family that has a lot of folks who cry - guys and girls. God also needs a bigger bottle, bucket or barrel to catch my tears. Thank you for sharing this.

Getting ready to cry this December at my youngest daughter's wedding and shortly after, the birth of my third grandchild, but know that there will be many more tears that flow before those big events -

"Tears to you" Tracie - :o)

Nancy said...

Just wondering who else would cry at a Pokemon movie....I mean really? I was with my boys when they were much younger and even today they still tease me about it.... but is was so sad when it seemed that all of that little yellow guys friends were gone. Anyway now my tears are for all the things listed when my oldest graduated and now that my youngest will be a Senior. It just may be year when God needs a lot of bottles. And @Cindy there is no time limit on grieving. We are different and made just like God intended.

Michelle said...

Cindy - My heart breaks for you. Each person grieves in her own way. I wish I could take away the hardness and hurt you feel by a spiritual leader and his wife who have judged you in your grief. Even Jesus cried. And you can too.

I recently read something about how Christians are expected to be "glad their loved one is with the Lord", which can put tremendous pressure on us. Yet, God knows our hearts and our hurts. Even in the joy of knowing our loved ones are now healthy and home, we still miss them and have our own sorrow.

I'm praying for you. The loss of a spouse must be so very hard. I hope you are able to find the tears and begin your healing. Hugs!

taraschaller said...

oh tracie. how this touched my heart so.....this was/is my story. when my first daughter graduated from high school, i had the privilege of singing a tribute to/for her at our church service. very small church (our church walk is a story in itself), and she was one of two graduates. i sang "watercolor ponies" by wayne watson...( if you haven't heard it before - let those tears flow!!!!). that was 18 years ago....and i'm still crying. years of happiness, sadness, joy, fear, grief and on and on! so much has happened in not only the 18yrs. but in my life. but my daughters have been my purpose...and my inspiration! we have, the 3 of us, been through much, but God has never left us...EVER!
and the title of your message "and i cried"....was a title of a message that i gave at our original church, in front of hundreds of people, to preface singing "i'd rather have Jesus!" interesting that i am reading your blog today.
i am going through a very difficult time...but in God's mercy and grace, He is there for me daily...I AM.....and gives me what i need for today...every day. and He has reminded me, through this blog today, of ALL He has brought me through, is bringing me through, and WILL bring me through. so i thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this.....for me!
God's blessings

Rhonie K said...

Oh Tracie, I too am a cryer. If there is a "moment" happening, everyone watches me for the tears to fall. I also watched as my baby girl graduated this year; each time I think of her leaving I cry both tears of sadness, I will miss her so, and tears of pride and joy as she is ready to leave our nest and begin a new adventure. Thank you for sharing these words of encouragement. God Bless you.

Tracie said...

Cindy - I just feel my heart breaking over your comment! If God hadnt wanted us to cry then he would not have given us tears and feelings! Im so sorry about your husband, and I pray that sweet tears of joy will bust the flood gates from your eyes and that God will surround you with people to love you and encourage you. Forgive the person who 'scolded' you for being emotional, and ask God to fill you with the freedom to cry whenever you feel like it!

Tracie said...

Monica - thank you for your comment - so funny, I get choked up year after year every time I see that commercial! Something about family and the love between siblings gets to me every time no matter how many times I see it.

Tracie said...

To bpsgrl89 son always stares at me while we are watching anything sad on tv and asks if Im crying because he knows Im prone to do that, and he always laughs at me. I didnt watch the Notebook because I got so emotionally torn up reading the book, I didnt think I could handle watching it! Thanks for sharing!

Tracie said...

Tara - thanks for your comments and for sharing your heart. I know all moms of graduating seniors this year are having a rough time! Im sorry you are going through a difficult situation and Ive said a prayer for you.

Rhonie - congrats on your daughter graduating as well! I pray God blesses her every step in the coming year.